TWLOHA~

www.twloha.com

So I've fallen in love with this organization. Even though I personally haven't struggled with suicide, a lot of people who are close to me have. It's wonderful that this organization, that is so tied into an scene where people are often hopeless and looking for meaning,for something more, is spreading the word that there is more. There is hope. There is no reason to think it's too late. There is someone who loves you no matter what. There is someone willing to listen even when it seems there isn't. There is love and beauty in this world. There is life beyond today and it's easy to find it.

Recently, it feels like my little bubble of safety here on my campus has been popped. I know there is nothing for me to really worry about, but it seems like there is something goin' on 'round here. I think I have gotten into the all-to-common rut in my faith where I feel like nothing can shake me; I can handle anything that's thrown at me...I forgot that there is spiritual war constantly raging; one that we can't really see, but we can feel, and we can see how it affects people. A couple of weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of what the evil side is capable of. The whole week, I had been feeling really weird. I can't really put my finger on it, but there was just something in there air. An uneasy feeling that wasn't being resolved; something was going to happen. Thursday night, there was a assault/abduction (the story isn't really clear) of a girl who was just walking back from a late class. Thankfully my roommate called my at 1 am to tell me to be careful. Friday, in the student center, a university employe was attempting to commit suicide by sitting on the railing of the fifth floor inside. He approached a few people and told them to get out of the center, and a few minutes later, people saw him sitting on the edge. Thankfully, people came together and just covered him and those talking to him in prayer. A friend thought of the idea to write him letters, so a few of us outside wrote him letters of hope and after a few hours, the police read them to him. By the grace of God, he came down. He actually got in contact with a friend who spoke with him about God and His love.
Friday night, I was walking to a friends house and was followed by a car on a dark side street. It shook me up a little.
A few days ago the man threatened to jump again, off the top of a parking garage.
There was a shooting in Illinois.
There is war going on.
There are wars going on in people's heads every day.
A friend and I were talking outside of the student center while we were waiting for the outcome, and he brought up that the people who sit next to us in class everyday could be thinking that they aren't good enough. They could be thinking that they don't need to live. They could be listening to the lies that the evil side has put in their heads.

God is working here on this campus. It's good that I've been shaken up because I forget that there is a constant battle raging.
There is love
and beauty
and grace
and fun
and life
and laughter
and hugs
and hope
and eternal life
and peace waiting for everyone.


TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS by Jamie Tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

God is love.

To Do

List (for this week):
1. Mail out that scholarship form.
2. Fill out that other scholarship form for TCOM.
3. Return the mics, cables, stands to my professor.
4. Read through James again before tomorrow (Im leading bible study and Im excited).
5. Write my History of Rock paper.
6. Write my religion paper on vodou.
7. Heat up the stuffed shells my mom lovingly brought me from home for dinner tonight.
8. Start work on my audio compilation project
9. Finish editing the three recitals I recorded this weekend and last week.
10. Find out what to take next quarter and schedule on thursday.
11.Do my physics homework and study for the exam on friday... I am so lost in there, ick.
12. Go to The Great Porn Debate on thursday after crusade.
13. Go to that dance performance thingy for class.
14. Record the voice stuff for my compilation.
15. Find relief from my perpetually itchy body... not sure... TMI (too much info?)
16. Actually finishing the book about vodou before writing the paper would be good too.
17. Go to class.
18. Other misc. things that are on my schedule....

I apologize for the really boring entries lately, something exciting will happen soon, I promise.
It's been a really crazy couple of weeks here at my beloved campus, a lot of which has shaken things up and unhinged a few things... but God is really working here in big ways... and I pray that I can be used here however He needs... Ill write about it later, no worries.

Out of the Boredom that is PSC

1-5-08

Im falling asleep. My very German physics professor is putting me to sleep. I was falling asleep in my religion class this morning while we watched a video about vodou priests in Haiti. I was tired and disgusted from watching the live animal sacrifices. Is that necessary? Jesus loves you vodou priests, please stop brutally killing goats and chickens...

I always, everyday feel like Im going to be late to my 2:10 class. I don't know why.

I keep having these realistic dreams each night, and I wake up really confused as to weather I really did have a baby, or fell off a skyscraper, or am dating a certain boy, or rear-ended the truck that was in front of me.

My next class might be a challenge to pay attention to. I love my professor and it's a really exciting class because it directly pertains to my major but my eyes often start drooping from staring at a screen for 2 hours, it lulls me. Why did it take me so long to write that paper last night? Oh well, it's finished now, I kept getting distracted. "pressure is defined as force per area..."

I never thought I'd have to think about physics again. I was so relieved when high school was over those years ago, because I thought I'd never have to worry about velocity or anti-nodes... I parted ways with my calculator after my freshman year math class (good thing my roommate still had hers). .. Im not the only one nodding off in here... "can produce a big force when keeping the plates together..." It's almost done, my walk in the rain will start again soon.