Scrooge?

So, I hate to admit it, but I've been a grouch the last few days. Downright unpleasant. I stayed up much later then usual and it threw me off and my immediate family could all be sharing the same cold and the weather and all those other excuses piled up and I've been a scrooge. So I had to work late, so what? So I'm 'alone' for the holidays, that is the dumbest reason to be down. So there's a million other reasons for me to feel bad about myself. I had completely forgotten what I am supposed to be focus on and praising God with all my might for.

Everyone has their own ideas about 'the real reason for Christmas.' Oh my gosh. That phrase should be copyrighted because it is uttered around every corner and in every family movie.
There is a reason why people decorate trees, buy presents, sing carols, celebrate in general. While, yes, it is great that people can have a good time being with family, but that's not the reason. Yes, it is wonderful that people feel more generous this time of year. Yes, being a friend, being cheerful, being charitable, ect... are all important aspects of 'the holidays' but they can't take the place of the real truth behind all the splendor.

There is a reason, and it is something that people (including me, see first paragraph) so often forget even though it is the most important event in human history.

These last few weeks leading up to Christmas are, as cliche as it sounds, supposed to be a time of hope. There were prophecies that a child would be born out of Israel (Numbers 24;17). There were rumors of a coming messiah, someone who would save all who believed in him, and it was happening soon. I couldn't imagine how exciting that would have been for the people of that time. I should have been anticipating and hoping and I forgot.

Everyone knows that story of Christ's birth, but to awe inspiring thing for me is that that little baby, who was born in an animal barn (if you have never been in an animal stall before, it is not a suitable, or comfortable, or a sanitary place to have a baby) is the King of all. This little infant child is God in human form. He wasn't cast down on a bolt of lighting glowing and floating around. He didn't grow out of the ground in a rumble of thunder. He didn't fly from heaven on the back of a flaming eagle. God was born in a smelly animal barn. Amazing.

With the birth of this baby came (comes) the promise that we can have eternal life. He is going to spend His life teaching humanity the best way to live. He is going to continue to be the king of all, but he becomes a humble king. Just as He was born in a barn, He continues His life in that manner, hanging out with fishermen, liars, tax collectors, prostitutes, murderers...

I forgot that.

Tonight at the midnight service, the pastor said that "in spite of their sheep, the shepherds went seeking." These last few days, I have been living the opposite. Because of my sheep, I have not been seeking. Because of that which hinders me, I stay where I am. I forget about the hope that can keep me moving, keep me going.

"Because here is where you're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from the lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my savior?
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

To look back and think that this baby would one day save me...
That you were born so I might live.

And I, I celebrate the day
That you were born to die
So I could one day pray for you to save my life."

Relient K, "I Celebrate The Day"

Don't get me wrong, of course all those things I mentioned are important, but for me, the only reason why the world should be celebrating Christmas is because the One who rules everything was born, and He saved our lives. He saved mine and I should be eternally praising Him for that.

Have a good Christmas everyone.
Love, with holly and hope,
Makella

what's on my mind at the moment

Just some stuff.

So it's time for the holidays... which means that the holiday movies are playing on repeat on the family channels. And I remember watching these movies growing up, they kind of defined when the 'holiday season' started and I remember how cute and charming they were... I was baby-sitting the other night and my little cousins watch a Christmas movie every night so we settled in to watch the one for that night. It was something called "Lester the Long Eared Donkey" or something similar, and I was excited because I remember that one a little... but we started watching it and I think my perception of this movie was really skewed. I think as a child, I watched these animated movies through 'holiday-spirit' goggles and didn't really realize how not-jolly this movie is. The movie started out with the credits running to a happy song about Lester and his long ears, but the picture behind it was a slow motion montage of this poor little donkey tripping over long ears and crying on the ground while all the other animals laugh at him. Then as the movie progresses, the emperor needs donkeys to pull his entourage or something so a burly servant goes to Lester's barn and forcefully takes all the other donkeys. When he sees Lester, he tells the owner of the barn that he shouldn't try to sell him rejects and throws Lester at him while his poor mother watches from the pen not being able to do anything to help. After the servant leaves, he gets mad at Lester and throws him into a barrel of food, then outside into the cold. His mother is crying from the pen. After the owner goes away, the mother breaks out, finds Lester in the woods and lays on tip of him to keep him warm from the cold. Come morning, the mother is dead from protecting Lester from the cold and snow. I was on the verge of tears watching this. I could not believe that this was how a Christmas movie started out. Am I over-reacting?

I think that I didn't rinse all the shampoo out of my hair this morning because my head was (and still is) itching so bad at work today.

I've come to some conclusions about myself over this seven week long break at home. One of them, as cliche as it sounds, it that I define myself almost completely by what other people think of me, and maybe not even what they think but how they treat me. I've been finding myself being very sensitive when it comes to friendships and phone calls and who I hang out with over break, who doesn't call back, etc... I've always known that I do see myself as being worth only how members of the male sex treat me and the fact that I don't have much experience in that area was and has been hard for me because that is what I thought defined my self worth. I'm finding now that this is happening with friends and I really think it's time for a change. I really don't like thinking of myself in those terms, it doesn't feel good. So I'm going to work on that. A friend told me that I need massive amounts of God's truth to really make it a reality because it is going to take a mind-frame makeover of sorts so I can see myself as God sees me, which is what He has wanted from the start. I'm excited for this. I'm excited to be free of those self-pitying thoughts. I feel like Im on the cusp of something incredibly life and attitude changing for me and I'm excited to keep working on this.

MTV puts on their really awful, lets-try-this-out-for-a-few-episodes shows at midnight and later, and I was watching on called "The X-Effect" or something about X's, and the premiss is that a couple who used to date but are dating other people, are taken to a really nice resort to see if they still have feelings or each other. Their current significant others then, without the knowledge of the couple, stay in a different room of the resort to spy on them. They have a TV where they can see snippets of what the couple is doing together, they have a sensor that lights up when they touch each other, they have trackers on them so they know what room (what bed) they are both in, and there are moments when they only hear the audio of what is going on between them. Conveniently, the audio kicks on when the couple are making out, and the sensors show their others that they are sleeping in the same bed... I didn't watch the rest, I didn't know what to think of it all, so I switched to "What Not To Wear."

"I think everything in life should end in some sort of a burrito-ish reward"
-Matt Thiessen, Relient K

I hope that my rant about holiday movies doesn't damper your spirits. They still hold a special place in my childhood.

Hearts and Heros,
Makella

TSOAF

I love this... sorry, I know that Ive been putting up a bunch of youtube videos... This band, if you haven't heard of them, is made up of members from other bands, you'll probaby recognize most of them... and they only had four live shows on the west coast.. they have dancers and painters and it's all so intense and if you have the chance to get a-hold of their recorded stuff, it's brilliant, a sound engineer's dream. Anyways, enjoy some of these live videos of them...

I know you don't want to change
But nothing is ever what it used to be
Grab the rope, hoist yourself up
With a copy in hand
Comforted by the lions of substance
A solitude parade
Grab the rope, hoist yourself up
And drift like ants in hose water.

These three angels used to be attourneys
It is such a serious thing to me
Oh, how I searched through the memories
It is such an experience for me
Silence creating bold letters
Like not and better
These three devils used to be apologies
These three angels used to be monuments
I tried to find that feeling from that letter
For my consistencies
It was such a painful thing to see
When the shadows didn't bend
Like now and then
These three devils used to be apostrophes
So I destroyed a monument
So what.

The Sound of Animals Fighting, "St. Broadrick Is In Antarctica"

This box is lovely that I made
You may open up whenever you're lonely
You know, there's nowhere left to go
You magnify the evidence
It correlates the angles
I'm staring in the wrong direction.

Well take back
When it's time for relief it's so
It's so hard reading you...
For if I leave your empty smile

Flesh is heretic
My body is a which
I am burning it
Wake up for this wish
And I resignate
I have seen my fate
I am sinking
Oh, captain I am sinking

...While everybody else could be fighting out
For all this, for all this
Well everybody else could be fighting
For all this, hope for all this, hope for

Secrets and irises open the door
To a pride of lions and a murder of crows
No one knows how I begin
But how I'll end...

You're focused in the reason why
I'm far beneath the answer
You're acting like a separation.

The Sound of Animals Fighting, "All Is Ash Or The Light Shining Through It."

Intense.

Thoughts Late at Night

I scribbled this down as I was laying down to sleep last night... It was written with a few different bands in mind... it all may sound nerdy when it's all done, but oh well... it's incoherent ramblings and probably doesn't make sense.

Their music creates a whole new emotion for me. If my mind is jumbled up and my hands are shaky, or when my shoulders are tense and I can't focus on breathing or real thoughts, the new plane their music creates for me speaks Truth that I can only feel in the chord progressions and instrumentation they arrange. To me, it is obvious that God guides their hands and ears as they produce this music and I can feel Him all the way to the tips of my fingers; like the push of a deep sea tide, or like the visual of a sunrise bringing light and color to all it touches, pouring over the surfaces; like oxygen filling my lungs, the holy sprit fills my body and brain until all I can focus on is the movement of the music and how it helps guide my breathing based on the crescendos and decrescendos of the songs.

Each song takes on a story or life or breathing presence of its own and I find myself experiencing different emotions with each.

While their music is not "perfect" in the technical sense (they are all incredibly talented) there are quick moments of perfection when all the vertebrae of my spine align and the Earth is right. I can feel Him specifially in those moments. But when the music is not "perfect" there is a real quality to it, becuase nothing is perfect truly except the One who created perfection Himself. The moments when the real instrument piano doesnt sync with the keyboard for a few measures for example, makes the music relatable. I think it is Gods way of keeping me focused on the realness of the music to keep my mind from automatically thinking "perfection" when I push play, which is an obvious falsehood.

It's the only thing I rely on to listen to to help me fall asleep when I'm not feeling myself or if I'm thinking sporadically.

The words that were chosen to be a part of the songs have a bit of urgency to them when they describe love (of course), and spirituality but they help outline and guide emotions because It's not only the words portraying these feelings but the combination of strings behind them or the way they are sang and the words. They almost become a part of the instrumentation in that they play an equal part along with the instruments in how I feel when listening to it all. I believe there are moments when His truths about life and human-ness (humanity?) and death and emotion and pain and Himself and my future are given through all of this and for that I am grateful because ultimately I want to become a part of bringing some of those truths to the world around me.

Margot and Dry Ice

Just some pictures of the Margot & The Nuclear So And So's show I went to a few weeks ago, and some pictures of dry ice my dad and I were playing with... I think this sounds like I'm desperate for something exciting to do... The quality is really bad because I officially don't have any way to edit pictures besides some cropping... I think I really need photoshop.... Anyone have an extra copy laying around?


Yes it does.







See the curly-q in the middle?

Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up!...
This is not a test!

Just what are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
You're staring truth in the face
So come on down
What are you so afraid of?...

Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone?
I swear, it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for
It's all worth reaching for
It's all worth reaching for
The hands to pull you out

Wake up! Wake up!

-Underoath, In Regards To Myself

oh my gosh.

I am so excited to get this DVD for Christmas. it makes me want to go to Iceland and sit in the woods... Something about the music they create moves the inner-most part of my soul. If you have the chance, please go buy this, or just watch it, it will move you.

something i just watched

It's a little intense but I jsut watched it and thought it was pretty cool editing. If you don't like them, you might appreciate the video independant from the band and the screaming and such, if that makes sense...

&hearts

"Music is well said to be the speech of angels; in fact, nothing among the utterances allowed to man is felt to be so divine. It brings us near to the infinite."
-Thomas Carlyle

The Gods Aren't Angry Tour: Rob Bell 1/2/07 Cleveland OH

So yes, I finally got to hear Rob Bell in person, and I talked to him (only for a second), but non-the-less... I talked to him... sorry, I'm excited... really excited...

I took notes and said I would put them up here... hope they make sense and all that.
Enjoy!

ps, they are kind of long..


12/1/07 Rob Bell
Allen Theatre
Cleveland OH
“The Gods Aren’t Angry” Tour

Cave Women- realizes there is a greater force providing the plants she eats
Cave Husband- recognizes the spirit of the hunt
-they also see a ball of light at night that changes on a 30 day cycle
-realizes the rhythm of the body
-they realize feeling between each other, feel the new life grow inside of her

‘Fundamental life essence’- breath, deep primal invisible life force inside them
-dependence of forces beyond her control, manipulation, but need it for survival

Original people of the world named the forces to understand them
Systems of naming:
Mesopotamians- gods of El, Mat, etc…
Sumerians- gods (god of beer)
Babylonians- gods
Greeks- gods- Artemis goddess of hunting and also protection of small animals

Trend developed- must keep the forces on our side, favor of the gods
-idea off gesture to forces set aside crops, something important etc..
-“offer up” something on an altar or high place
-emergence of priests to help with sacrifices
-forces act like humans (get angry, want more, etc.)

Altar- had a fundamental flaw
-if gods give abundantly people could easily offend so they have to offer more to continue he abundance
-if they don’t give abundantly, then maybe the people didn’t offer enough
[vortex] The people don’t know where they stand with the Gods
Primal anxiety

Some people would cut themselves, offer their own blood to the gods or their favor
Kibula – mother goddess of Sardis Turkey
-she is eternally procreating for the benefit of followers
-males had to castrate themselves and place it on the altar
Aztecs- recently found 42 children’s remains to earn favor
Incas- a practice to wrap a child up and place it on altar while suffocating

Slippery slope- have to keep offering that which is of value
Molec (god)- have to throw 1st born into the fire

The Bible- is not detached. It comes from within these stories of history, within the culture
-told in Sumerian culture, story of Abraham is seen different
Abraham is told to heave his fathers house because the divine wants to be with him
-According to Sumerian culture, the gods were somewhere else and detached but in story of Abraham, the divine was involved in human time and space
No one ever proposed the idea of a God like this with God and humans connecting

Abraham was told to ‘leave his father’s household’ meaning to leave his father’s worldview, his father’s view of the gods and altars, etc..

Aside; people tell stories to understand this new concept one of them is that Abraham destroys all of his fathers idol statues and leaves the axe in the remaining god’s hands. When asked why this happened Abraham dais that the one wanted to be dominant. His father asks why, because they are lifeless statues that he made himself, and Abraham asks ‘why worship them?’

God tells Abraham that he will bless him with descendants as numerous as the stars
-the Sumerians worshipped th stars
*This new God uses the other gods as props to make a point

Genesis 22- Abraham has a son, and God tells him to take his son who he loves (1st time word ‘love’ is used in the Bible) and offer him up as a sacrifice.
-he has his son on the altar and the knife is raised when a messenger from God comes and tells him to stop and use the ram stuck in the bush
This God is a God who provides

Abraham doesn’t say ‘no,’ ‘why,’ or ‘how’ because he is not surprised with the idea o sacrifices and offering
-perhaps because it is not a new idea?
-the story is ended with the emphasis on God providing, and not the greatness of
Abraham
**A whole new kind of God**

This God doesn’t demand, he provides so you don’t have to offer something

*Abraham has nothing to do but trust that God will provide
-this God says ‘you have my favor, can you trust
*the divine and human relationship built on TRUST

Leviticus; “B-grade slasher film with no plot”
-instructions on how to kill things
-arose with in actual points of history
Instructions of 5 sacrifices:
(Spelling?)
1. Olah- blood
2. Minhah- grain
3. Shelamin- peace, give some but keep most for yourself, make a meal, “shalom”, peace meal to celebrate peace with God
You can know where you stand with this God
4. Hattah-sin
5. Hasham- guilt
-you can offer something and walk away knowing that the case was closed, there was no anxiety, you know where you stand
These ideas are dragging the culture foreword: there is a worldview that came out of these 5 sacrifices
Temple of King Herod- 2.3 million stones with a drainage system for all the blood because of hundreds of thousands of people who sacrifice

Sadducees- priests who kept a portion of the money offered, became very wealthy
-they made a profit off of the fear and guilt of the masses
-the system was built on violence
-had a relationship with the Roman soldiers who protected the system with violence
-a threat to this system was a threat to the way of life of the priests

Jesus; says that something greater then the temple is Him
-that there is a new way to God through Him
*so the old system is irrelevant
Profits are performers-Jesus drove out the money changers in a dramatic gesture

Jesus says that the system is corrupt
-the Sadducees begin to plot to kill him

In John- Jesus says that he will destroy the temple and rebuild it in 3 days- referring to himself

So they killed him- Romans tortured him to say to the masses ‘this is hw it goes for those who rebel’

Jesus experiences tons of injustices
-he doesn’t defend, he just takes it
*because here is something greater happening through him
If he resorted to violence, would he be offering anything new?

Paul says- the stories circulating about the resurrection raises questions about the old system of sacrifices

So does your God need you to kill something for your relationship?

Is your God incapable of love unless you hurt something?

What is your God like?

So we have the same primal deities, the same old gods?
-people carry guilt with them
Have we really come a long way?

Profits of Baal cut themselves 3000 years ago, and a high school girl does the same thing…

For the first Christians- Jesus’ death was not just an act or martyrdom for a small group of people at a certain time
-for them, this even stretched to all people

They began searching or deeper language to describe this;
Hebrews- Jesus appeared at the ‘culmination of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself’
-it was a turning point, everyone is invited to a new era of human progress
*the writer turns the cross into an altar,
-death into sacrifice
= the ultimate offering on a metaphorical altar, the last sacrifice

Something greater is now here

Paul says- Jesus’ blood on a cross is God making peace with all things in heaven and Earth through this act
-reconciling to Himself

This God has made peace with you instead of, what do I have to do for his favor?

Primal anxiety- what do I have to do to make peace with the divine?
Now with Jesus- you never have to ask that again
Which is GROUNDBREAKING!!
So there were questions raised about religion in general…

Psalms- God says that is he was hungry, he wouldn’t tell us, he doesn’t need the blood of animals, all the bulls are his.
Micah-says that blood doesn’t please God
Hebrews-sprinkling of blood was for humans conscience
-help humans deal with sin, not feeling good enough, etc.. and how there feeling own us.

Repentance- according to the 1st Christians is what you do naturally when you understand that God already made peace through the death of Jesus
-it is a celebration/response/trust to what God has already done

Nature of the ritual- only point of a Christ centered ritual is to remind you of the peace that has already been made


New testament image of altar- sacrifice is to do good for others
-offer yourselves as living sacrifices

The world needs to see the sacrifice so is it our job to put the flesh to it

This God isn’t angry because this God is love.