what's on my mind at the moment

Just some stuff.

So it's time for the holidays... which means that the holiday movies are playing on repeat on the family channels. And I remember watching these movies growing up, they kind of defined when the 'holiday season' started and I remember how cute and charming they were... I was baby-sitting the other night and my little cousins watch a Christmas movie every night so we settled in to watch the one for that night. It was something called "Lester the Long Eared Donkey" or something similar, and I was excited because I remember that one a little... but we started watching it and I think my perception of this movie was really skewed. I think as a child, I watched these animated movies through 'holiday-spirit' goggles and didn't really realize how not-jolly this movie is. The movie started out with the credits running to a happy song about Lester and his long ears, but the picture behind it was a slow motion montage of this poor little donkey tripping over long ears and crying on the ground while all the other animals laugh at him. Then as the movie progresses, the emperor needs donkeys to pull his entourage or something so a burly servant goes to Lester's barn and forcefully takes all the other donkeys. When he sees Lester, he tells the owner of the barn that he shouldn't try to sell him rejects and throws Lester at him while his poor mother watches from the pen not being able to do anything to help. After the servant leaves, he gets mad at Lester and throws him into a barrel of food, then outside into the cold. His mother is crying from the pen. After the owner goes away, the mother breaks out, finds Lester in the woods and lays on tip of him to keep him warm from the cold. Come morning, the mother is dead from protecting Lester from the cold and snow. I was on the verge of tears watching this. I could not believe that this was how a Christmas movie started out. Am I over-reacting?

I think that I didn't rinse all the shampoo out of my hair this morning because my head was (and still is) itching so bad at work today.

I've come to some conclusions about myself over this seven week long break at home. One of them, as cliche as it sounds, it that I define myself almost completely by what other people think of me, and maybe not even what they think but how they treat me. I've been finding myself being very sensitive when it comes to friendships and phone calls and who I hang out with over break, who doesn't call back, etc... I've always known that I do see myself as being worth only how members of the male sex treat me and the fact that I don't have much experience in that area was and has been hard for me because that is what I thought defined my self worth. I'm finding now that this is happening with friends and I really think it's time for a change. I really don't like thinking of myself in those terms, it doesn't feel good. So I'm going to work on that. A friend told me that I need massive amounts of God's truth to really make it a reality because it is going to take a mind-frame makeover of sorts so I can see myself as God sees me, which is what He has wanted from the start. I'm excited for this. I'm excited to be free of those self-pitying thoughts. I feel like Im on the cusp of something incredibly life and attitude changing for me and I'm excited to keep working on this.

MTV puts on their really awful, lets-try-this-out-for-a-few-episodes shows at midnight and later, and I was watching on called "The X-Effect" or something about X's, and the premiss is that a couple who used to date but are dating other people, are taken to a really nice resort to see if they still have feelings or each other. Their current significant others then, without the knowledge of the couple, stay in a different room of the resort to spy on them. They have a TV where they can see snippets of what the couple is doing together, they have a sensor that lights up when they touch each other, they have trackers on them so they know what room (what bed) they are both in, and there are moments when they only hear the audio of what is going on between them. Conveniently, the audio kicks on when the couple are making out, and the sensors show their others that they are sleeping in the same bed... I didn't watch the rest, I didn't know what to think of it all, so I switched to "What Not To Wear."

"I think everything in life should end in some sort of a burrito-ish reward"
-Matt Thiessen, Relient K

I hope that my rant about holiday movies doesn't damper your spirits. They still hold a special place in my childhood.

Hearts and Heros,
Makella