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I've been home in Cleveland for a few days now.
It's been really nice to sit and relax, wake up and take my time to get ready, eat homemade food, and spend time with my parents. They are two of the most generous people in my life.


I have this blog to be open about what I'm thinking to people and to get words out there, so I will be frank here:

It is hard for me to see the arrow pointing to why right now. Do I need to know?

I've been broken for the last two weeks, with the exception of the last few days. At the ash-wednesday service this week, I wrote over and over in my journal "I am broken, I am broken, I need a new heart, I need a new heart.." more as an admittance to myself that yeah, some of the spark is gone but deep in my heart I still hold that passion. I pray that I can be awakened from this sleep, this lull, to keep striving instead of standing still and looking around me wondering when and why.
It's time I let Him in.
It's incredibly difficult for me to hold these things with open hands, but as of yet, the plans that I have been making for myself have not been where I need to have my focus, without going into the details. I guess I know what I need to do with all of this I'm thinking about, but as I sit here and think about it, I do not know what the first step to take is. I don't know why it's so difficult to let go; I can see openly that what I try to do for myself is not working and yet I subconsciously refuse to let the One who made me and who eternally loves me take control. I can hardly plan out what classes I need to take next quarter so why do I think I can plan out what I should do in a long-term sense?

I didn't write this to sound negative or sad or anything. I wrote this in the hopes that whoever reads it can understand that these plans, these things, were never ours to have and to plan. I wrote this to show you that this life is meat to hold more meaning then we can fathom, and trying to get in the way of that is futile and rightfully so, but it's so good that I wish I could just let go of my pride or whatever is holding me back, and embrace it. Please embrace it. I write this as encouragement for people holding on to something without knowing what to do with it, to let go and be at peace with that decision.
I'm learning to let go of all of this, so please join me.